I was going to start this entry by saying that “when I was a kid Christmas was one of my favorite times of the year,” but then I realized how stupid this was. You never hear people say, “when I was a kid Flag Day was one of my favorites days of the year.” Or, “You know what? I get so nostalgic on Beverage Day.”
Of course Christmas is everyone’s favorite holiday. Even those that don’t celebrate wish they do. It makes everyone think of giving (unless you’re under 12 then you think about getting.)
As a kid, our church would have fund raisers. They would make chocolate covered cherries and sell them. The best part was that the chocolate was purchased in ginormous blocks wrapped in brown paper. You had to break chunks off and melt it down for the cherries.
Adults must have assumed the frozen chocolate was safe from kids since it was so hard to break.
Fools.
I had my own personal, brown-handled ice pick. My mom would open the freezer to large portions of chocolate missing and the chocolate that was left was pockmarked with hundreds of furious holes from my ice pick. (As a side note, it doesn’t work to hide chocolate chunks under your pillow for extended periods of time.)
Little did I know, that my hard work not only benefited my palate at the time of the thievery, but my long-term health! I guess chocolate contains something called…anti oxygen—which totally screws up that whole I’m-so-hungry-I’m-going-to-inhale-that-chocolate line.
This is hardly new information. Many, less reputable and less entertaining, websites have already dispersed this information to the paying masses.
One website (www.thehealthychocolate.com) sells a brand of Chocolate with an exotic name that can’t be pronounced—Xocai. They even put a little pigtail on the “C” so as to reassure you that this is not your typical chocolate.
Let’s examine some of their information:
Nearly all chocolate that is advertised as ‘Healthy Chocolate’ is heat pressed. [This] destroys 75%-80% of the vital nutrients…taking the healthy right out of it.
So…lesson one. Don’t iron your damn chocolate. I’ve never run into anyone that does this, but it sounds ingenious…so thanks for the warning against it. As a side note it says they’ve removed wax, refined sugars, dairy and trans fats. So, while the healthy may be in their chocolate you already know the “good” was taken out.
Xocai combines…cocao from the Ivory Coast in Africa with the acai berry from the Amazon.
Stop. I realize that I’m American, so thanks for clarifying that the Ivory Coast is in Africa. But unless the Cadbury Company is now in Africa, you’re not doing a wonderful job selling your product. When I hear “Africa” my mind does not automatically think “YUMMY CHOCOLATE.” At best you might get me considering poking termite towers with blades of licorice, or stalking Hershey bars through the grasslands.
The truth, my eager young learners, is that ALL chocolate is good for you. Unless it’s that dark crap they’ve been trying to pawn off as candy for years. Dark chocolate is mutated milk chocolate that was created in Nevada after nuclear testing and now waits patiently in the desert highlands for unsuspecting trailer trash to break down so it can infect humanity.
So this Christmas, if you’re feeling a little under the weather, don’t do something stupid, like get a flu shot. Steal your mom’s chocolate and eat until you pass out. (Passing out means that the chocolate has taken over your immune system so that you can get rest.)
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
So...what the hell is this? I go to PF Changs to celebrate with Mrs. Reese's Cup and after my delicious meal of MSG and dead chicken covered in sweet sugary glaze, the waiter puts this crap on my table.
"uh...excuse me."
"Yes, sir?"
"What is that?"
"What is what?"
"There's a tree growing out of my cheesecake."
"Oh. That's garnish."
"Why is garnish growing out of my cheesecake?"
"It's not to eat. It's to make it look better."
Look better? It's cheesecake. Making it look better is like telling Odette Yustman she needs to powder her nose before you kiss goodnight, or thinking I'd be more willing to take a hundred dollar bill because you put a High School Musical sticker on it.
If I wanted vegetables I'd have ordered a freaking salad. I want sugar, sweetner, syrup and graham cracker crust. I don't want some arrogant chef planting a garnish garden in my cheesecake.
Anyway. It was dang good.
Monday, September 13, 2010
ANOTHER reason fruit is evil.
Mostly I have no problem with fruit. One of my all-time favorite foods is passion fruit skittles and cherry starbursts. Also, pineapple isn't bad. Pineapples are like that girl in high school that tries to set a record and kiss every guy on the basketball team--everyone likes them, but they give you canker sores.
But mostly fruits are a lesser evil version of vegetables. I will occasionally share the different reasons why fruits and vegetables are evil and must be avoided.
Today's reason:
Fruit is violent.
Mrs. Reese's Cup of Dr. Pepper called and asked to come help pick pears for some god-forsaken canning project in which she is participating all day Saturday. Well, all day, or long enough to keep me from watching the Tennessee-Florida game.
Of course I agreed. I am on a short leash. Short enough that I admit it freely and with a small amount of fear that she will read this post.
The mom-in-law picked me up and was supposed to take me home so I could change from my designer Mervyn's/Ebay attire into a more appropriate Salvation Army ensamble.
Instead she carts me straight to the "orchard" wear her boyfriend awaits to galavant around the town in wild wanderings of middle-aged-divorced romance, with a potential nightcap at Cracker Barrel if all goes well.
So I pull up to the "orchard", which turns out to be an old man's back yard. The kids are eating rotten pears and dirt and the Mrs is on the top rung of a 300 year old ladder held together by staples.
I get what appears to be a lacrosse net made from barbed-wire on a ten foot broom handle. It may have been one of the murder weapons used in the lastest Friday the 13 movie when that "pineapple" girl, mentioned above, sets her record.
I reach up and pluck two pears.
Easy Peasy.
Wrong. Immedidately I am carpet-bombed by a dozen overly-ripe orbs. Luckily, only my hand and custom Wal-Mart loafers received the kiss of splattered death.
I mutter a curse word under my breath and briefly catch criticizing look from the 1 year old.
I go into "pear-picking mode". Okay stop.
Tangent:
Males will occasionally pretend that the task they are attempting to complete is vital to rescuing a beautiful woman, achieving world-renown, or simply saving the world. The reason we do this is to add meaning to an otherwise menial task to help us focus.
In this case, I was Earl Murgle, PhD. Biologist to the stars and advisor to the President and King of Zanzibar. Aliens had infested the national pear orchards, and only I could save the world--and a beautiful dame perched on a treacherous ladder. Thus, "Pear Picking Mode."
End of Tangent
I reached up slowly to snag a large green monster dangling from limbs. I quickly snag it, but immediately see my error. Two large, brown and saucy pears plummet toward me. I step back and the goo from the first carpet-bombing causes me to slip.
Slam.
A third, previously unseen goo-ball knocks me on the noggin. The curse word isn't muttered. The one year old isn't impressed. The world ends and the dame I was supposed to save ends up giving me a dirty look the whole ride home.
But mostly fruits are a lesser evil version of vegetables. I will occasionally share the different reasons why fruits and vegetables are evil and must be avoided.
Today's reason:
Fruit is violent.
Mrs. Reese's Cup of Dr. Pepper called and asked to come help pick pears for some god-forsaken canning project in which she is participating all day Saturday. Well, all day, or long enough to keep me from watching the Tennessee-Florida game.
Of course I agreed. I am on a short leash. Short enough that I admit it freely and with a small amount of fear that she will read this post.
The mom-in-law picked me up and was supposed to take me home so I could change from my designer Mervyn's/Ebay attire into a more appropriate Salvation Army ensamble.
Instead she carts me straight to the "orchard" wear her boyfriend awaits to galavant around the town in wild wanderings of middle-aged-divorced romance, with a potential nightcap at Cracker Barrel if all goes well.
So I pull up to the "orchard", which turns out to be an old man's back yard. The kids are eating rotten pears and dirt and the Mrs is on the top rung of a 300 year old ladder held together by staples.
I get what appears to be a lacrosse net made from barbed-wire on a ten foot broom handle. It may have been one of the murder weapons used in the lastest Friday the 13 movie when that "pineapple" girl, mentioned above, sets her record.
I reach up and pluck two pears.
Easy Peasy.
Wrong. Immedidately I am carpet-bombed by a dozen overly-ripe orbs. Luckily, only my hand and custom Wal-Mart loafers received the kiss of splattered death.
I mutter a curse word under my breath and briefly catch criticizing look from the 1 year old.
I go into "pear-picking mode". Okay stop.
Tangent:
Males will occasionally pretend that the task they are attempting to complete is vital to rescuing a beautiful woman, achieving world-renown, or simply saving the world. The reason we do this is to add meaning to an otherwise menial task to help us focus.
In this case, I was Earl Murgle, PhD. Biologist to the stars and advisor to the President and King of Zanzibar. Aliens had infested the national pear orchards, and only I could save the world--and a beautiful dame perched on a treacherous ladder. Thus, "Pear Picking Mode."
End of Tangent
I reached up slowly to snag a large green monster dangling from limbs. I quickly snag it, but immediately see my error. Two large, brown and saucy pears plummet toward me. I step back and the goo from the first carpet-bombing causes me to slip.
Slam.
A third, previously unseen goo-ball knocks me on the noggin. The curse word isn't muttered. The one year old isn't impressed. The world ends and the dame I was supposed to save ends up giving me a dirty look the whole ride home.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Vegan Propaganda
Have any of you ever noticed that in the myriad of dinosaur cartoons that the only dinosaurs smart enough to talk are the ones who only eat plants? The meat-eaters prance mindlessly around head-butting rocks as they spit and growl at the plant eaters.
Sure you get the token meat-eater who "befriends" the all-knowing lardo leaf-eater. He might throw in a few comments, but he gets patronized by the whiny dino-vegetarians. We watch an hour and a half of the veggie group search for green food, but the meat eater NEVER gets to eat.
I'm convinced this is propaganda by the Vegan movement to brainwash us.
For once I'd love the token tyranosaurus to say, "You know what? Screw you guys. All you do is treat me like crap because I like meat. So you know what? Next time we all cuddle together to block out the cold, I'm going to use your leg as a chew toy. And you know what else? You weigh 10 freaking tons! Maybe if you'd slow down on the salad we wouldn't have to cross the Volcano fields for the freaing Green Valley, you selfish punk."
Sure you get the token meat-eater who "befriends" the all-knowing lardo leaf-eater. He might throw in a few comments, but he gets patronized by the whiny dino-vegetarians. We watch an hour and a half of the veggie group search for green food, but the meat eater NEVER gets to eat.
I'm convinced this is propaganda by the Vegan movement to brainwash us.
For once I'd love the token tyranosaurus to say, "You know what? Screw you guys. All you do is treat me like crap because I like meat. So you know what? Next time we all cuddle together to block out the cold, I'm going to use your leg as a chew toy. And you know what else? You weigh 10 freaking tons! Maybe if you'd slow down on the salad we wouldn't have to cross the Volcano fields for the freaing Green Valley, you selfish punk."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The Secret of the Second Stomach
I had been away from civilization for about 5 months. By "away from civilization" I mean outside of traveling distance to McDonald's. So, you can understand that when I surfaced from the subway station and saw the Golden Arches, I heard concourses of angels proclaiming good tidings of great joy and peace on Earth, good will toward men.
Numerous times in my life, when talking about a meal, I can saw that my "eyes were bigger than my stomach. This particular instance, however, my stomach was up to the challenge.
I stepped up to the foreign McDonaldsateer and ordered the following: a big mac, a cheeseburger, a 20 piece chicken mcnugget, a large fry, a strawberry shake to dip my fries in, two cherry pies and a large coke.
Tangent--there's a rumor that McDonald's chickens come from chickens that have been injected with steroids. I don't know if it's true, but it would be ingenious. Instead of working out you could just eat McDonald's--end of tangent.
To make a long story short, I ate every bit of it. I also learned that in some countries they 1) charge for ketchup, and 2) take your tray to the trash and get pissed if you try to do it yourself. Which is only slightly different than the ones in the states where they include 20 ketchup packets in every bag and bring trash around to PUT on your table.
About a week later I went to someone's house--while still in this foreign country. They had prepared a meal of steamed and sogggy rice accented with grated jack-o-lantern (I refuse to call them pumpkins because THEY ARE NOT FOOD), whole garlic cloves sauted in something that smelled like a cat's vomit after its eaten its own poop, and a cold drink of yeast water.
Oddly, after two tablespoons of this meal I was full.
How is this possible you ask?
How is it that a husband can tell his wife he is stuffed and yet open the cupboard and in 30 seconds eat two pounds of her delicious chocolate chip cookies?
This is one of the great secrets of the Teenage Boy Diet.
By Divine Guidance God gave us two stomachs. The first is smallest and is for things that are bad for you--vegtables, primarily, but pumpkin rice and yeast water would go here as well. This stomach is also known as the appendix, which is why it important for you to have it removed. It's also the reason it bursts...even the appendix can take that crap.
The larger stomach is for items that are important to your diet; chocolate, cookies and McDonald's. Your body automatically distriubutes the food from the vegtables and sends messages to your brain--like, "you need a Reese's Cup to function for the next hour," or, "pumpkin rice?! What the hell are you trying to pull?"
Cows have four stomachs, and they're always eating because they only have access to grass. Their brains constantly tell them to "get me a Symphony bar." They don't have one so they have no choice but to overload their appendix, trying to make it burst to end their agony.
So next time someone choose to eat your chocolate chip cookies over spaghetti, don't be upset with them. It's just at that moment in time, their body needs chocolate to survive.
Numerous times in my life, when talking about a meal, I can saw that my "eyes were bigger than my stomach. This particular instance, however, my stomach was up to the challenge.
I stepped up to the foreign McDonaldsateer and ordered the following: a big mac, a cheeseburger, a 20 piece chicken mcnugget, a large fry, a strawberry shake to dip my fries in, two cherry pies and a large coke.
Tangent--there's a rumor that McDonald's chickens come from chickens that have been injected with steroids. I don't know if it's true, but it would be ingenious. Instead of working out you could just eat McDonald's--end of tangent.
To make a long story short, I ate every bit of it. I also learned that in some countries they 1) charge for ketchup, and 2) take your tray to the trash and get pissed if you try to do it yourself. Which is only slightly different than the ones in the states where they include 20 ketchup packets in every bag and bring trash around to PUT on your table.
About a week later I went to someone's house--while still in this foreign country. They had prepared a meal of steamed and sogggy rice accented with grated jack-o-lantern (I refuse to call them pumpkins because THEY ARE NOT FOOD), whole garlic cloves sauted in something that smelled like a cat's vomit after its eaten its own poop, and a cold drink of yeast water.
Oddly, after two tablespoons of this meal I was full.
How is this possible you ask?
How is it that a husband can tell his wife he is stuffed and yet open the cupboard and in 30 seconds eat two pounds of her delicious chocolate chip cookies?
This is one of the great secrets of the Teenage Boy Diet.
By Divine Guidance God gave us two stomachs. The first is smallest and is for things that are bad for you--vegtables, primarily, but pumpkin rice and yeast water would go here as well. This stomach is also known as the appendix, which is why it important for you to have it removed. It's also the reason it bursts...even the appendix can take that crap.
The larger stomach is for items that are important to your diet; chocolate, cookies and McDonald's. Your body automatically distriubutes the food from the vegtables and sends messages to your brain--like, "you need a Reese's Cup to function for the next hour," or, "pumpkin rice?! What the hell are you trying to pull?"
Cows have four stomachs, and they're always eating because they only have access to grass. Their brains constantly tell them to "get me a Symphony bar." They don't have one so they have no choice but to overload their appendix, trying to make it burst to end their agony.
So next time someone choose to eat your chocolate chip cookies over spaghetti, don't be upset with them. It's just at that moment in time, their body needs chocolate to survive.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Easter Special: Food Storage
The best day of my life was the day after Easter in the second year I was married.
My wife called me at work from Target and told me news that made my heart skip a beat. Cadbury Creme Eggs were on sale for 25 cents a piece. She had already bought 40 and was curious if I wanted more.
TANGENT--Some people believe that God created the world. Some of those people believe he rested on the seventh day after creating it. This is pretty amazing since most guys take a break every 30 minutes when trying to complete a home improvement project, but that's besides the point.
It's not so important that he rested, but HOW he rested and what he ate (since most guys would tell you that food and rest is synonymous).
Well, according to the Book of Boz (me), on the seventh day God had scrambled eggs for breakfast. These scrambled eggs were not derived from chicken eggs, but from Cadbury Creme Eggs; which everyone knows is laid by Saint Easter Bunny.
End of Tangent
Being as religious as I am I told her to max out the credit card and buy as many as possible.
That night I came home to 140 Cadbury Creme Eggs. I greedily ate 15 of them, then horded them under my bed like a pack rat.
I increased my playing time of Halo on the XBox in the scenario that the world might end and I might have to defend my food storage. I successfully defened my motherlode for the entire year, finishing egg 140 the day before the next Easter.
In the Diet of a Teenage Boy it's important to eat plenty of Cadbury Creme Eggs. They are the prime component of the Dairy Food Group and have lots of chocolate and gooey, sugary creme; which is necessary for strong bones and shiny fingernails.
My wife called me at work from Target and told me news that made my heart skip a beat. Cadbury Creme Eggs were on sale for 25 cents a piece. She had already bought 40 and was curious if I wanted more.
TANGENT--Some people believe that God created the world. Some of those people believe he rested on the seventh day after creating it. This is pretty amazing since most guys take a break every 30 minutes when trying to complete a home improvement project, but that's besides the point.
It's not so important that he rested, but HOW he rested and what he ate (since most guys would tell you that food and rest is synonymous).
Well, according to the Book of Boz (me), on the seventh day God had scrambled eggs for breakfast. These scrambled eggs were not derived from chicken eggs, but from Cadbury Creme Eggs; which everyone knows is laid by Saint Easter Bunny.
End of Tangent
Being as religious as I am I told her to max out the credit card and buy as many as possible.
That night I came home to 140 Cadbury Creme Eggs. I greedily ate 15 of them, then horded them under my bed like a pack rat.
I increased my playing time of Halo on the XBox in the scenario that the world might end and I might have to defend my food storage. I successfully defened my motherlode for the entire year, finishing egg 140 the day before the next Easter.
In the Diet of a Teenage Boy it's important to eat plenty of Cadbury Creme Eggs. They are the prime component of the Dairy Food Group and have lots of chocolate and gooey, sugary creme; which is necessary for strong bones and shiny fingernails.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Proper Care and Handling of Food
While working at a local mexican restaurant I had a friend who was preparing some deep-fried ice cream. I'm not sure which mexican thought up this culinary masterpiece, but they should have a holiday names after them.
The ice cream came prepared in large scoops rolled in secret ingredients. The only step for the server was to stab the ice cream with a knife and dip it briefly into a vat of magma hot oil...making it deep-fried.
My friend had speared the ice cream and dipped the ice cream, but being engaged in an interesting conversation, she bypassed the usually 2 second dip time for a lengthy 10 second bath.
The ice cream slipped off the knife, bobbing in the hot oil. Most people would say last rites and let the ice cream go. My friend, however, did not. She bravely reached in and grabbed the ice cream.
Sadly, she had to go to the hospital and the ice cream died anyway, but it was very noble of her to try.
According to a statistic I just made up, trillions of people each day get the runs from not properly washing their food, or otherwise making sure that all of the bacteria and germs get killed. This is one of the primary reasons that Hungry Man TV Dinners and Soda Pop are so good—they come already sealed so that you know there are no germs.
So what do you do if you can’t purchase safe food? Oddly enough, one of the only places in the world to have the solution to this problem is the southern United States—you must deep fry EVERYTHING!
How can you deep fry everything, you ask?
Luckily, online you can find ways to deep from everything from pickles, snickers bars and even Coca Cola. These are already healthy treats, so to be able to deep fry the hell out of all the germs and bacteria makes them all the more safe for your consumption.
So next time you cook make sure to deep fry each of your food items to properly kill the germs. And if you don't have soap to wash your hands, feel free to deep fry them as well.
The ice cream came prepared in large scoops rolled in secret ingredients. The only step for the server was to stab the ice cream with a knife and dip it briefly into a vat of magma hot oil...making it deep-fried.
My friend had speared the ice cream and dipped the ice cream, but being engaged in an interesting conversation, she bypassed the usually 2 second dip time for a lengthy 10 second bath.
The ice cream slipped off the knife, bobbing in the hot oil. Most people would say last rites and let the ice cream go. My friend, however, did not. She bravely reached in and grabbed the ice cream.
Sadly, she had to go to the hospital and the ice cream died anyway, but it was very noble of her to try.
According to a statistic I just made up, trillions of people each day get the runs from not properly washing their food, or otherwise making sure that all of the bacteria and germs get killed. This is one of the primary reasons that Hungry Man TV Dinners and Soda Pop are so good—they come already sealed so that you know there are no germs.
So what do you do if you can’t purchase safe food? Oddly enough, one of the only places in the world to have the solution to this problem is the southern United States—you must deep fry EVERYTHING!
How can you deep fry everything, you ask?
Luckily, online you can find ways to deep from everything from pickles, snickers bars and even Coca Cola. These are already healthy treats, so to be able to deep fry the hell out of all the germs and bacteria makes them all the more safe for your consumption.
So next time you cook make sure to deep fry each of your food items to properly kill the germs. And if you don't have soap to wash your hands, feel free to deep fry them as well.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Do-It-Yourself Stomach Stapling
When I was 18 I had an embarrassing obsession. Everyone has something they hide; you might secretly still carry your teddy bear to bed, use Pert shampoo, or eat your toenails. My secret was that I was in love with Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream.
At the time, the only place to purchase the rosy, gum-speckled goodness was at Baskin Robbins. So, every Tuesday and Thursday I would go get my fill.
Normally, the workers didn’t believe when I placed an order of Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream. They would give me the, “why would you want that? You’re not a girl scout,” look. Eventually I could convince them and the creamy mixture of ice cream with frozen, sugared gum pellets was always worth the short-term humiliation.
One day, however, I hit an unexpected snag.
When my friend and I entered Baskin Robbins we were greeted by a new worker. This girl wasn’t the usual gothic, vampire-worshiping, smoke-scented 14 year old I was used to. This was a hot girl, my own age. At least, in my memory she was hot, but looking back maybe she was just wearing a lot of make-up.
Anyway, at the time I was completely intimidated.
My friend got some random double scoop of chocolate this, or caramel crap. She asked what I wanted and I was dumbfounded. I asked for more time.
I perused the selection while she waited patiently. What the HELL was I going to do? I couldn’t let this pink-aproned goddess know my embarrassing weakness. I’d have to settle for caramel crap, like my friend.
But I just couldn’t do it. I felt like I would be cheating on my future wife. The Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream beckoned me from the corner of the far freezer.
After 20 minutes the girl began to show slight signs of impatience.
“Are you ready yet?” she asked.
Not knowing what else to do I turned to the wisdom of the beautiful Ice Cream Consultant on the other side of the counter.
“What would you get?” I asked.
Her face reddened.
“I like Pink Bubble Gum,” she replied.
“Then, I’ll take two scoops on a sugar cone.”
We didn’t get married, but I dreamed we did.
I use this story to introduce the concept of Do-It-Yourself “stomach stapling”.
Everyone has heard that gum doesn’t digest for 5 years. This is the reason that most people spit out their gum.
But, if you swallow it instead, then over time you build up a large wad of the slow digesting substance in your stomach. The bigger the lump of gum gets the more room it takes up in your stomach and the quicker you get full.
This is the same idea as stomach stapling or lap-band surgery.
My suggestion is that if you have a lot to lose, or feel like you never get full to swallow lots of gum. Chew it a lot before hand to make sure it’s sticky and will properly adhere to the lump already residing there.
Since I ate so much Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream, my lump is the size of a large cantaloupe and I can easily go for 3 1/2 years without feeling the urge to eat anything. Of my total body mass, 26% is made up entirely of undigested gum.
What do I recommend for you? It depends on your own situation, but try to target 12-32% of your total body mass as bubble gum.
However, it may be dangerous to do this all at once, so pace yourself. For this week shoot for a manageable 3 lbs of gum.
Good luck!
At the time, the only place to purchase the rosy, gum-speckled goodness was at Baskin Robbins. So, every Tuesday and Thursday I would go get my fill.
Normally, the workers didn’t believe when I placed an order of Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream. They would give me the, “why would you want that? You’re not a girl scout,” look. Eventually I could convince them and the creamy mixture of ice cream with frozen, sugared gum pellets was always worth the short-term humiliation.
One day, however, I hit an unexpected snag.
When my friend and I entered Baskin Robbins we were greeted by a new worker. This girl wasn’t the usual gothic, vampire-worshiping, smoke-scented 14 year old I was used to. This was a hot girl, my own age. At least, in my memory she was hot, but looking back maybe she was just wearing a lot of make-up.
Anyway, at the time I was completely intimidated.
My friend got some random double scoop of chocolate this, or caramel crap. She asked what I wanted and I was dumbfounded. I asked for more time.
I perused the selection while she waited patiently. What the HELL was I going to do? I couldn’t let this pink-aproned goddess know my embarrassing weakness. I’d have to settle for caramel crap, like my friend.
But I just couldn’t do it. I felt like I would be cheating on my future wife. The Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream beckoned me from the corner of the far freezer.
After 20 minutes the girl began to show slight signs of impatience.
“Are you ready yet?” she asked.
Not knowing what else to do I turned to the wisdom of the beautiful Ice Cream Consultant on the other side of the counter.
“What would you get?” I asked.
Her face reddened.
“I like Pink Bubble Gum,” she replied.
“Then, I’ll take two scoops on a sugar cone.”
We didn’t get married, but I dreamed we did.
I use this story to introduce the concept of Do-It-Yourself “stomach stapling”.
Everyone has heard that gum doesn’t digest for 5 years. This is the reason that most people spit out their gum.
But, if you swallow it instead, then over time you build up a large wad of the slow digesting substance in your stomach. The bigger the lump of gum gets the more room it takes up in your stomach and the quicker you get full.
This is the same idea as stomach stapling or lap-band surgery.
My suggestion is that if you have a lot to lose, or feel like you never get full to swallow lots of gum. Chew it a lot before hand to make sure it’s sticky and will properly adhere to the lump already residing there.
Since I ate so much Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream, my lump is the size of a large cantaloupe and I can easily go for 3 1/2 years without feeling the urge to eat anything. Of my total body mass, 26% is made up entirely of undigested gum.
What do I recommend for you? It depends on your own situation, but try to target 12-32% of your total body mass as bubble gum.
However, it may be dangerous to do this all at once, so pace yourself. For this week shoot for a manageable 3 lbs of gum.
Good luck!
Monday, February 8, 2010
DTB: Spiritual Nourishment—The Sports/Video Game Love Affair
One day my wife started reading a book entitled The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. My first thought was, “Great. My wife is reading a book about how men or animals and how you have to slave away to take care of them.”
The book did talk about how men were animals, but much like a dog, if you train them well, they’ll do anything you want.
“Training” in this book is more like “tricking” or “baiting” and males don’t mind being baited as long as we get the bait and it’s worth the pain of the hook.
This book led my anti-video-game wife to buy me an X-box. I am forever grateful to Dr. Laura for her fine piece of literature.
To be honest, I never received anything when my wife read other literature, like Pride and Prejudice or Twlight—unless you count a cold glare because I wasn’t Mr. Darcy or Edward. In all honesty I’m probably as vanilla as they come; which isn’t bad considering that, as I guy, I really understand that Mr. Darcy is a self-righteous A-hole and Edward is a 100 year old pedophile who whines like a 5 year-old girl.
Throughout my career as a “Friend” and “Confidant” to many females I understand that girls don’t understand our fascination with Sports or Games. And while males don’t understand the female obsession with “chick flicks” and romance literature, we understand it must be something like our sports and videos games—so we only give you grief when we get it from you.
Sports don’t get mad at us when we sit down in front of the TV, as a matter of fact, they require it. That is why when you watch TV with us, we think it counts as paying attention to you—be grateful for that one-on-one time.
Sports don’t give us the cold-shoulder when we invite friends over—they actually are more fun when friends are around. Not only that, but they’re entertaining! If we invite friends on dates, it’s only because you’re more fun if my friends are around.
Games don’t mind swearing. Games are built on it and most of them can’t be played without a swear word passcode. God invented swearing to play video games and to have something to say when the damn screw driver strips the screws.
I can’t pretend to know why females like chick flicks, but I assume they fill some need that you don’t get out of the relationship.
Why is this important to my diet plan? Honestly I don’t have a clue, but I know that my wife hasn’t read that book in a while and she now says I can’t play games on Sundays—no cookies either (and in a future post you’ll learn about the healing power of chocolate chip cookies).
Let us have our sports and games and you can have your 100 year old pedophiles.
The book did talk about how men were animals, but much like a dog, if you train them well, they’ll do anything you want.
“Training” in this book is more like “tricking” or “baiting” and males don’t mind being baited as long as we get the bait and it’s worth the pain of the hook.
This book led my anti-video-game wife to buy me an X-box. I am forever grateful to Dr. Laura for her fine piece of literature.
To be honest, I never received anything when my wife read other literature, like Pride and Prejudice or Twlight—unless you count a cold glare because I wasn’t Mr. Darcy or Edward. In all honesty I’m probably as vanilla as they come; which isn’t bad considering that, as I guy, I really understand that Mr. Darcy is a self-righteous A-hole and Edward is a 100 year old pedophile who whines like a 5 year-old girl.
Throughout my career as a “Friend” and “Confidant” to many females I understand that girls don’t understand our fascination with Sports or Games. And while males don’t understand the female obsession with “chick flicks” and romance literature, we understand it must be something like our sports and videos games—so we only give you grief when we get it from you.
Sports don’t get mad at us when we sit down in front of the TV, as a matter of fact, they require it. That is why when you watch TV with us, we think it counts as paying attention to you—be grateful for that one-on-one time.
Sports don’t give us the cold-shoulder when we invite friends over—they actually are more fun when friends are around. Not only that, but they’re entertaining! If we invite friends on dates, it’s only because you’re more fun if my friends are around.
Games don’t mind swearing. Games are built on it and most of them can’t be played without a swear word passcode. God invented swearing to play video games and to have something to say when the damn screw driver strips the screws.
I can’t pretend to know why females like chick flicks, but I assume they fill some need that you don’t get out of the relationship.
Why is this important to my diet plan? Honestly I don’t have a clue, but I know that my wife hasn’t read that book in a while and she now says I can’t play games on Sundays—no cookies either (and in a future post you’ll learn about the healing power of chocolate chip cookies).
Let us have our sports and games and you can have your 100 year old pedophiles.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Leave Cooking to the Professionals
When I was seven I admired my brother. He had a job. He worked at McDonald’s and even made enough money to buy our neighbor’s green Ford Pinto (the Green Bean) for a whopping $300. The best part about his job, however, wasn’t the sweet wheels and the Miami-Vice-like lifestyle, but the myriad skills he acquired.
Each day he would grace us with new facts about his new world and his accomplishments. He was a sort of Fast Food Boy Scout, if you will, eager to show off his merit badges.
I remember with fondness his instruction of how to correctly cook fries. They were perfect in every way; and often in my life, I wondered if McDonald’s new that he divulged their recipe if they could charge back his old paychecks.
Mom’s fries were good, but let’s be honest—she was an amateur. While she was an excellent cook, her fries never made her enough money to buy a new car.
Today’s Tip: Let the professionals do the cooking.
Why make mom slave over a Superbowl dinner that looks nice, but just makes a mess no one wants to clean. The people at Swanson’s are paid professionals. Their life goal is to create culinary masterpieces like the cherry pie on the Turkey Hungry Man TV dinner.
It doesn’t matter where you work, everyone has talked to that customer who is a lawyer and can sue you, or works at the bank so they know how a credit card works. And when these people talk…of course you LISTEN.
Regardless of how many kids mom has raised, she doesn’t have the life-experience that the chef’s at Dairy Queen have. And let’s not forget the highly trained Sandwich Artist of Subway. How much training does your mom have at making sandwiches? In the end, hers is just a cheap imitation.
If you want food done the right way, get it from the people who know it best. And next time show Maria some respect at the drive-thru window…she’s a professional.
Each day he would grace us with new facts about his new world and his accomplishments. He was a sort of Fast Food Boy Scout, if you will, eager to show off his merit badges.
I remember with fondness his instruction of how to correctly cook fries. They were perfect in every way; and often in my life, I wondered if McDonald’s new that he divulged their recipe if they could charge back his old paychecks.
Mom’s fries were good, but let’s be honest—she was an amateur. While she was an excellent cook, her fries never made her enough money to buy a new car.
Today’s Tip: Let the professionals do the cooking.
Why make mom slave over a Superbowl dinner that looks nice, but just makes a mess no one wants to clean. The people at Swanson’s are paid professionals. Their life goal is to create culinary masterpieces like the cherry pie on the Turkey Hungry Man TV dinner.
It doesn’t matter where you work, everyone has talked to that customer who is a lawyer and can sue you, or works at the bank so they know how a credit card works. And when these people talk…of course you LISTEN.
Regardless of how many kids mom has raised, she doesn’t have the life-experience that the chef’s at Dairy Queen have. And let’s not forget the highly trained Sandwich Artist of Subway. How much training does your mom have at making sandwiches? In the end, hers is just a cheap imitation.
If you want food done the right way, get it from the people who know it best. And next time show Maria some respect at the drive-thru window…she’s a professional.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Spicy Foods Burn More Calories
When I was 18 my two friends and I babysat their 2 year old niece at night while her parents worked. We didn’t get paid, so we didn’t really care what she did.
During this period of her life she did everything we did—which meant she stayed up until 3 AM watching Beavis & Butthead, R-rated gangster movies, listened to Heavy Metal and gorged herself on frozen burritos and potato chips.
One particular night we bought a bag of Flaming-Hot Cheetos, but were only able to eat a handful before getting heartburn.
Little Katie wandered down the steps at 2 AM to watch Payback starring Mel Gibson with us (pretty violent movie). At the end of the movie the Cheetos were gone and Katie had red goop all over her face, and tears streaming down her cheeks in a smile of utter joy.
Truth #1 of the Diet of a Teenage Boy (DTB)—Spicy foods BURN calories; and the spicier the better. The trick is to eat foods that burn through the entire digestive process. HeartBURN means it’s working. And if you have a little BURN when it’s coming out just remember it’s taking all those bad calories with it.
Flaming Hot Cheetos can work wonders if you’re trying to work off a few inches on the thighs after Christmas.
Always elect for spicy sauces over mild ones.
A site of interest might be www.hotsauceworld.com. I can’t say I approve of some of the language used to describe these products, but if swearing had a purpose, it would be to describe these products.
However, I can say with a reasonable degree of certainty that anything named after an explosion or military ordinance would provide the full 360 degree burn you’re looking for.
During this period of her life she did everything we did—which meant she stayed up until 3 AM watching Beavis & Butthead, R-rated gangster movies, listened to Heavy Metal and gorged herself on frozen burritos and potato chips.
One particular night we bought a bag of Flaming-Hot Cheetos, but were only able to eat a handful before getting heartburn.
Little Katie wandered down the steps at 2 AM to watch Payback starring Mel Gibson with us (pretty violent movie). At the end of the movie the Cheetos were gone and Katie had red goop all over her face, and tears streaming down her cheeks in a smile of utter joy.
Truth #1 of the Diet of a Teenage Boy (DTB)—Spicy foods BURN calories; and the spicier the better. The trick is to eat foods that burn through the entire digestive process. HeartBURN means it’s working. And if you have a little BURN when it’s coming out just remember it’s taking all those bad calories with it.
Flaming Hot Cheetos can work wonders if you’re trying to work off a few inches on the thighs after Christmas.
Always elect for spicy sauces over mild ones.
A site of interest might be www.hotsauceworld.com. I can’t say I approve of some of the language used to describe these products, but if swearing had a purpose, it would be to describe these products.
However, I can say with a reasonable degree of certainty that anything named after an explosion or military ordinance would provide the full 360 degree burn you’re looking for.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Coca-Cola Cleanse
One of my first lessons on nutrition came from my father on a long road trip. After driving for some time the windshield built up a thick layer of gunk, or grease and the wiper fluid couldn’t clean it off.
My dad pulled over and bought a can of Coca-Cola; which was strange since the foundation of our family was Dr. Pepper. He popped the can and I yearned for my turn for a sip. Instead, he poured the entire can on our windshield.
We flicked the wipers on and wah-lah! The gunk easily came off.
I’ve since learned that if you put a grimy penny in Coca-Cola for a couple of days the penny will come out shiny and new. It can even turn something as hard as a tooth to mush.
If coca cola can do this imagine what it can do for your insides! Your intestines can be made shiny and new and, if coke can break down a tooth, it can break down that supposed wad of swallowed gum that won’t otherwise digest for 5 years!
“So how does a normal person like me benefit from the Coca-Cola Cleanse?” you ask. I’ll tell you now.
Step 1—Rent a movie that is at least 120 minutes in length (shorter movies work if you watch the special features). My suggestion is something good that will distract you; like Robocop, Nightmare on Elm Street, or Anne of Green Gables disc 1.
Step 2—Purchase a 12 pack of Coca-Cola cans (24 if you are performing the cleanse with a friend). P.S. Walmart Ad-matches and they normally don’t even ask to see the ad!
Step 3—Go home and pee. This insures that your bladder will be able to handle the onslaught it’s about to experience.
Step 4—Start the movie and start drinking.
The goal is to drink all 12 cans by the end of your movie without urinating. DON’T urinate until the end of the movie, even if you finish your cans early. You want the power of the cola to work inside you. Otherwise, how else will your colon be shiny and the ball of gum disintegrate.
Step 5—When the end-credits begin, pee--then brush your teeth (remember the teeth-to-mush part?). Also, it is bad form to knock on the door while your friend is urinating. If you do, they have every right to pee on your toilet seat and floor.
There you go. You’ve learned lesson 1 of the Teenage Boy Diet.
My dad pulled over and bought a can of Coca-Cola; which was strange since the foundation of our family was Dr. Pepper. He popped the can and I yearned for my turn for a sip. Instead, he poured the entire can on our windshield.
We flicked the wipers on and wah-lah! The gunk easily came off.
I’ve since learned that if you put a grimy penny in Coca-Cola for a couple of days the penny will come out shiny and new. It can even turn something as hard as a tooth to mush.
If coca cola can do this imagine what it can do for your insides! Your intestines can be made shiny and new and, if coke can break down a tooth, it can break down that supposed wad of swallowed gum that won’t otherwise digest for 5 years!
“So how does a normal person like me benefit from the Coca-Cola Cleanse?” you ask. I’ll tell you now.
Step 1—Rent a movie that is at least 120 minutes in length (shorter movies work if you watch the special features). My suggestion is something good that will distract you; like Robocop, Nightmare on Elm Street, or Anne of Green Gables disc 1.
Step 2—Purchase a 12 pack of Coca-Cola cans (24 if you are performing the cleanse with a friend). P.S. Walmart Ad-matches and they normally don’t even ask to see the ad!
Step 3—Go home and pee. This insures that your bladder will be able to handle the onslaught it’s about to experience.
Step 4—Start the movie and start drinking.
The goal is to drink all 12 cans by the end of your movie without urinating. DON’T urinate until the end of the movie, even if you finish your cans early. You want the power of the cola to work inside you. Otherwise, how else will your colon be shiny and the ball of gum disintegrate.
Step 5—When the end-credits begin, pee--then brush your teeth (remember the teeth-to-mush part?). Also, it is bad form to knock on the door while your friend is urinating. If you do, they have every right to pee on your toilet seat and floor.
There you go. You’ve learned lesson 1 of the Teenage Boy Diet.
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