Chocolate and Anti Oxygen

I was going to start this entry by saying that “when I was a kid Christmas was one of my favorite times of the year,” but then I realized how stupid this was. You never hear people say, “when I was a kid Flag Day was one of my favorites days of the year.” Or, “You know what? I get so nostalgic on Beverage Day.”

Of course Christmas is everyone’s favorite holiday. Even those that don’t celebrate wish they do. It makes everyone think of giving (unless you’re under 12 then you think about getting.)

As a kid, our church would have fund raisers. They would make chocolate covered cherries and sell them. The best part was that the chocolate was purchased in ginormous blocks wrapped in brown paper. You had to break chunks off and melt it down for the cherries.
Adults must have assumed the frozen chocolate was safe from kids since it was so hard to break.

Fools.

I had my own personal, brown-handled ice pick. My mom would open the freezer to large portions of chocolate missing and the chocolate that was left was pockmarked with hundreds of furious holes from my ice pick. (As a side note, it doesn’t work to hide chocolate chunks under your pillow for extended periods of time.)

Little did I know, that my hard work not only benefited my palate at the time of the thievery, but my long-term health! I guess chocolate contains something called…anti oxygen—which totally screws up that whole I’m-so-hungry-I’m-going-to-inhale-that-chocolate line.

This is hardly new information. Many, less reputable and less entertaining, websites have already dispersed this information to the paying masses.

One website (www.thehealthychocolate.com) sells a brand of Chocolate with an exotic name that can’t be pronounced—Xocai. They even put a little pigtail on the “C” so as to reassure you that this is not your typical chocolate.

Let’s examine some of their information:

Nearly all chocolate that is advertised as ‘Healthy Chocolate’ is heat pressed. [This] destroys 75%-80% of the vital nutrients…taking the healthy right out of it.

So…lesson one. Don’t iron your damn chocolate. I’ve never run into anyone that does this, but it sounds ingenious…so thanks for the warning against it. As a side note it says they’ve removed wax, refined sugars, dairy and trans fats. So, while the healthy may be in their chocolate you already know the “good” was taken out.

Xocai combines…cocao from the Ivory Coast in Africa with the acai berry from the Amazon.
Stop. I realize that I’m American, so thanks for clarifying that the Ivory Coast is in Africa. But unless the Cadbury Company is now in Africa, you’re not doing a wonderful job selling your product. When I hear “Africa” my mind does not automatically think “YUMMY CHOCOLATE.” At best you might get me considering poking termite towers with blades of licorice, or stalking Hershey bars through the grasslands.

The truth, my eager young learners, is that ALL chocolate is good for you. Unless it’s that dark crap they’ve been trying to pawn off as candy for years. Dark chocolate is mutated milk chocolate that was created in Nevada after nuclear testing and now waits patiently in the desert highlands for unsuspecting trailer trash to break down so it can infect humanity.

So this Christmas, if you’re feeling a little under the weather, don’t do something stupid, like get a flu shot. Steal your mom’s chocolate and eat until you pass out. (Passing out means that the chocolate has taken over your immune system so that you can get rest.)