Do-It-Yourself Stomach Stapling

When I was 18 I had an embarrassing obsession. Everyone has something they hide; you might secretly still carry your teddy bear to bed, use Pert shampoo, or eat your toenails. My secret was that I was in love with Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream.

At the time, the only place to purchase the rosy, gum-speckled goodness was at Baskin Robbins. So, every Tuesday and Thursday I would go get my fill.

Normally, the workers didn’t believe when I placed an order of Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream. They would give me the, “why would you want that? You’re not a girl scout,” look. Eventually I could convince them and the creamy mixture of ice cream with frozen, sugared gum pellets was always worth the short-term humiliation.

One day, however, I hit an unexpected snag.

When my friend and I entered Baskin Robbins we were greeted by a new worker. This girl wasn’t the usual gothic, vampire-worshiping, smoke-scented 14 year old I was used to. This was a hot girl, my own age. At least, in my memory she was hot, but looking back maybe she was just wearing a lot of make-up.

Anyway, at the time I was completely intimidated.

My friend got some random double scoop of chocolate this, or caramel crap. She asked what I wanted and I was dumbfounded. I asked for more time.

I perused the selection while she waited patiently. What the HELL was I going to do? I couldn’t let this pink-aproned goddess know my embarrassing weakness. I’d have to settle for caramel crap, like my friend.

But I just couldn’t do it. I felt like I would be cheating on my future wife. The Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream beckoned me from the corner of the far freezer.

After 20 minutes the girl began to show slight signs of impatience.

“Are you ready yet?” she asked.

Not knowing what else to do I turned to the wisdom of the beautiful Ice Cream Consultant on the other side of the counter.

“What would you get?” I asked.

Her face reddened.

“I like Pink Bubble Gum,” she replied.

“Then, I’ll take two scoops on a sugar cone.”

We didn’t get married, but I dreamed we did.

I use this story to introduce the concept of Do-It-Yourself “stomach stapling”.
Everyone has heard that gum doesn’t digest for 5 years. This is the reason that most people spit out their gum.

But, if you swallow it instead, then over time you build up a large wad of the slow digesting substance in your stomach. The bigger the lump of gum gets the more room it takes up in your stomach and the quicker you get full.

This is the same idea as stomach stapling or lap-band surgery.

My suggestion is that if you have a lot to lose, or feel like you never get full to swallow lots of gum. Chew it a lot before hand to make sure it’s sticky and will properly adhere to the lump already residing there.

Since I ate so much Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream, my lump is the size of a large cantaloupe and I can easily go for 3 1/2 years without feeling the urge to eat anything. Of my total body mass, 26% is made up entirely of undigested gum.

What do I recommend for you? It depends on your own situation, but try to target 12-32% of your total body mass as bubble gum.

However, it may be dangerous to do this all at once, so pace yourself. For this week shoot for a manageable 3 lbs of gum.

Good luck!