When I was 18 I had an embarrassing obsession. Everyone has something they hide; you might secretly still carry your teddy bear to bed, use Pert shampoo, or eat your toenails. My secret was that I was in love with Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream.
At the time, the only place to purchase the rosy, gum-speckled goodness was at Baskin Robbins. So, every Tuesday and Thursday I would go get my fill.
Normally, the workers didn’t believe when I placed an order of Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream. They would give me the, “why would you want that? You’re not a girl scout,” look. Eventually I could convince them and the creamy mixture of ice cream with frozen, sugared gum pellets was always worth the short-term humiliation.
One day, however, I hit an unexpected snag.
When my friend and I entered Baskin Robbins we were greeted by a new worker. This girl wasn’t the usual gothic, vampire-worshiping, smoke-scented 14 year old I was used to. This was a hot girl, my own age. At least, in my memory she was hot, but looking back maybe she was just wearing a lot of make-up.
Anyway, at the time I was completely intimidated.
My friend got some random double scoop of chocolate this, or caramel crap. She asked what I wanted and I was dumbfounded. I asked for more time.
I perused the selection while she waited patiently. What the HELL was I going to do? I couldn’t let this pink-aproned goddess know my embarrassing weakness. I’d have to settle for caramel crap, like my friend.
But I just couldn’t do it. I felt like I would be cheating on my future wife. The Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream beckoned me from the corner of the far freezer.
After 20 minutes the girl began to show slight signs of impatience.
“Are you ready yet?” she asked.
Not knowing what else to do I turned to the wisdom of the beautiful Ice Cream Consultant on the other side of the counter.
“What would you get?” I asked.
Her face reddened.
“I like Pink Bubble Gum,” she replied.
“Then, I’ll take two scoops on a sugar cone.”
We didn’t get married, but I dreamed we did.
I use this story to introduce the concept of Do-It-Yourself “stomach stapling”.
Everyone has heard that gum doesn’t digest for 5 years. This is the reason that most people spit out their gum.
But, if you swallow it instead, then over time you build up a large wad of the slow digesting substance in your stomach. The bigger the lump of gum gets the more room it takes up in your stomach and the quicker you get full.
This is the same idea as stomach stapling or lap-band surgery.
My suggestion is that if you have a lot to lose, or feel like you never get full to swallow lots of gum. Chew it a lot before hand to make sure it’s sticky and will properly adhere to the lump already residing there.
Since I ate so much Pink Bubble Gum Ice Cream, my lump is the size of a large cantaloupe and I can easily go for 3 1/2 years without feeling the urge to eat anything. Of my total body mass, 26% is made up entirely of undigested gum.
What do I recommend for you? It depends on your own situation, but try to target 12-32% of your total body mass as bubble gum.
However, it may be dangerous to do this all at once, so pace yourself. For this week shoot for a manageable 3 lbs of gum.
Good luck!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
DTB: Spiritual Nourishment—The Sports/Video Game Love Affair
One day my wife started reading a book entitled The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. My first thought was, “Great. My wife is reading a book about how men or animals and how you have to slave away to take care of them.”
The book did talk about how men were animals, but much like a dog, if you train them well, they’ll do anything you want.
“Training” in this book is more like “tricking” or “baiting” and males don’t mind being baited as long as we get the bait and it’s worth the pain of the hook.
This book led my anti-video-game wife to buy me an X-box. I am forever grateful to Dr. Laura for her fine piece of literature.
To be honest, I never received anything when my wife read other literature, like Pride and Prejudice or Twlight—unless you count a cold glare because I wasn’t Mr. Darcy or Edward. In all honesty I’m probably as vanilla as they come; which isn’t bad considering that, as I guy, I really understand that Mr. Darcy is a self-righteous A-hole and Edward is a 100 year old pedophile who whines like a 5 year-old girl.
Throughout my career as a “Friend” and “Confidant” to many females I understand that girls don’t understand our fascination with Sports or Games. And while males don’t understand the female obsession with “chick flicks” and romance literature, we understand it must be something like our sports and videos games—so we only give you grief when we get it from you.
Sports don’t get mad at us when we sit down in front of the TV, as a matter of fact, they require it. That is why when you watch TV with us, we think it counts as paying attention to you—be grateful for that one-on-one time.
Sports don’t give us the cold-shoulder when we invite friends over—they actually are more fun when friends are around. Not only that, but they’re entertaining! If we invite friends on dates, it’s only because you’re more fun if my friends are around.
Games don’t mind swearing. Games are built on it and most of them can’t be played without a swear word passcode. God invented swearing to play video games and to have something to say when the damn screw driver strips the screws.
I can’t pretend to know why females like chick flicks, but I assume they fill some need that you don’t get out of the relationship.
Why is this important to my diet plan? Honestly I don’t have a clue, but I know that my wife hasn’t read that book in a while and she now says I can’t play games on Sundays—no cookies either (and in a future post you’ll learn about the healing power of chocolate chip cookies).
Let us have our sports and games and you can have your 100 year old pedophiles.
The book did talk about how men were animals, but much like a dog, if you train them well, they’ll do anything you want.
“Training” in this book is more like “tricking” or “baiting” and males don’t mind being baited as long as we get the bait and it’s worth the pain of the hook.
This book led my anti-video-game wife to buy me an X-box. I am forever grateful to Dr. Laura for her fine piece of literature.
To be honest, I never received anything when my wife read other literature, like Pride and Prejudice or Twlight—unless you count a cold glare because I wasn’t Mr. Darcy or Edward. In all honesty I’m probably as vanilla as they come; which isn’t bad considering that, as I guy, I really understand that Mr. Darcy is a self-righteous A-hole and Edward is a 100 year old pedophile who whines like a 5 year-old girl.
Throughout my career as a “Friend” and “Confidant” to many females I understand that girls don’t understand our fascination with Sports or Games. And while males don’t understand the female obsession with “chick flicks” and romance literature, we understand it must be something like our sports and videos games—so we only give you grief when we get it from you.
Sports don’t get mad at us when we sit down in front of the TV, as a matter of fact, they require it. That is why when you watch TV with us, we think it counts as paying attention to you—be grateful for that one-on-one time.
Sports don’t give us the cold-shoulder when we invite friends over—they actually are more fun when friends are around. Not only that, but they’re entertaining! If we invite friends on dates, it’s only because you’re more fun if my friends are around.
Games don’t mind swearing. Games are built on it and most of them can’t be played without a swear word passcode. God invented swearing to play video games and to have something to say when the damn screw driver strips the screws.
I can’t pretend to know why females like chick flicks, but I assume they fill some need that you don’t get out of the relationship.
Why is this important to my diet plan? Honestly I don’t have a clue, but I know that my wife hasn’t read that book in a while and she now says I can’t play games on Sundays—no cookies either (and in a future post you’ll learn about the healing power of chocolate chip cookies).
Let us have our sports and games and you can have your 100 year old pedophiles.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Leave Cooking to the Professionals
When I was seven I admired my brother. He had a job. He worked at McDonald’s and even made enough money to buy our neighbor’s green Ford Pinto (the Green Bean) for a whopping $300. The best part about his job, however, wasn’t the sweet wheels and the Miami-Vice-like lifestyle, but the myriad skills he acquired.
Each day he would grace us with new facts about his new world and his accomplishments. He was a sort of Fast Food Boy Scout, if you will, eager to show off his merit badges.
I remember with fondness his instruction of how to correctly cook fries. They were perfect in every way; and often in my life, I wondered if McDonald’s new that he divulged their recipe if they could charge back his old paychecks.
Mom’s fries were good, but let’s be honest—she was an amateur. While she was an excellent cook, her fries never made her enough money to buy a new car.
Today’s Tip: Let the professionals do the cooking.
Why make mom slave over a Superbowl dinner that looks nice, but just makes a mess no one wants to clean. The people at Swanson’s are paid professionals. Their life goal is to create culinary masterpieces like the cherry pie on the Turkey Hungry Man TV dinner.
It doesn’t matter where you work, everyone has talked to that customer who is a lawyer and can sue you, or works at the bank so they know how a credit card works. And when these people talk…of course you LISTEN.
Regardless of how many kids mom has raised, she doesn’t have the life-experience that the chef’s at Dairy Queen have. And let’s not forget the highly trained Sandwich Artist of Subway. How much training does your mom have at making sandwiches? In the end, hers is just a cheap imitation.
If you want food done the right way, get it from the people who know it best. And next time show Maria some respect at the drive-thru window…she’s a professional.
Each day he would grace us with new facts about his new world and his accomplishments. He was a sort of Fast Food Boy Scout, if you will, eager to show off his merit badges.
I remember with fondness his instruction of how to correctly cook fries. They were perfect in every way; and often in my life, I wondered if McDonald’s new that he divulged their recipe if they could charge back his old paychecks.
Mom’s fries were good, but let’s be honest—she was an amateur. While she was an excellent cook, her fries never made her enough money to buy a new car.
Today’s Tip: Let the professionals do the cooking.
Why make mom slave over a Superbowl dinner that looks nice, but just makes a mess no one wants to clean. The people at Swanson’s are paid professionals. Their life goal is to create culinary masterpieces like the cherry pie on the Turkey Hungry Man TV dinner.
It doesn’t matter where you work, everyone has talked to that customer who is a lawyer and can sue you, or works at the bank so they know how a credit card works. And when these people talk…of course you LISTEN.
Regardless of how many kids mom has raised, she doesn’t have the life-experience that the chef’s at Dairy Queen have. And let’s not forget the highly trained Sandwich Artist of Subway. How much training does your mom have at making sandwiches? In the end, hers is just a cheap imitation.
If you want food done the right way, get it from the people who know it best. And next time show Maria some respect at the drive-thru window…she’s a professional.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Spicy Foods Burn More Calories
When I was 18 my two friends and I babysat their 2 year old niece at night while her parents worked. We didn’t get paid, so we didn’t really care what she did.
During this period of her life she did everything we did—which meant she stayed up until 3 AM watching Beavis & Butthead, R-rated gangster movies, listened to Heavy Metal and gorged herself on frozen burritos and potato chips.
One particular night we bought a bag of Flaming-Hot Cheetos, but were only able to eat a handful before getting heartburn.
Little Katie wandered down the steps at 2 AM to watch Payback starring Mel Gibson with us (pretty violent movie). At the end of the movie the Cheetos were gone and Katie had red goop all over her face, and tears streaming down her cheeks in a smile of utter joy.
Truth #1 of the Diet of a Teenage Boy (DTB)—Spicy foods BURN calories; and the spicier the better. The trick is to eat foods that burn through the entire digestive process. HeartBURN means it’s working. And if you have a little BURN when it’s coming out just remember it’s taking all those bad calories with it.
Flaming Hot Cheetos can work wonders if you’re trying to work off a few inches on the thighs after Christmas.
Always elect for spicy sauces over mild ones.
A site of interest might be www.hotsauceworld.com. I can’t say I approve of some of the language used to describe these products, but if swearing had a purpose, it would be to describe these products.
However, I can say with a reasonable degree of certainty that anything named after an explosion or military ordinance would provide the full 360 degree burn you’re looking for.
During this period of her life she did everything we did—which meant she stayed up until 3 AM watching Beavis & Butthead, R-rated gangster movies, listened to Heavy Metal and gorged herself on frozen burritos and potato chips.
One particular night we bought a bag of Flaming-Hot Cheetos, but were only able to eat a handful before getting heartburn.
Little Katie wandered down the steps at 2 AM to watch Payback starring Mel Gibson with us (pretty violent movie). At the end of the movie the Cheetos were gone and Katie had red goop all over her face, and tears streaming down her cheeks in a smile of utter joy.
Truth #1 of the Diet of a Teenage Boy (DTB)—Spicy foods BURN calories; and the spicier the better. The trick is to eat foods that burn through the entire digestive process. HeartBURN means it’s working. And if you have a little BURN when it’s coming out just remember it’s taking all those bad calories with it.
Flaming Hot Cheetos can work wonders if you’re trying to work off a few inches on the thighs after Christmas.
Always elect for spicy sauces over mild ones.
A site of interest might be www.hotsauceworld.com. I can’t say I approve of some of the language used to describe these products, but if swearing had a purpose, it would be to describe these products.
However, I can say with a reasonable degree of certainty that anything named after an explosion or military ordinance would provide the full 360 degree burn you’re looking for.
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