The Lie of Delicacies

If you think the picture above is that of a freshly mutilated rat carcass...you're wrong. It's called Kimchi and it's a delicacy.

Why is it a delicacy? Because someone said so.

How do you make this scrumptious meal? Basically bury a cabbage with chili powder for a few months so it ferments. Dig it up after a month or so...(hell...why not wait a year)slop it on a plate and enjoy.

The god of the internet "Wikipedia" proclaims Kimchi was devised as a way to keep vegetables through the winter.

Bull.

The real story goes like this:

3000 years ago Mr. Kim came home from a long day at work. Mrs. Kim felt underappreciated because Mr. Kim sat on his fat butt playing on his new iPhone (or comparable technological device of that era) and played Angry Birds.

So, Mrs. Kim gave Mr. Kim's steak to the dog and made him some cabbage stew.

Mr. Kim thought it sucked, but in an effort not to offend his wife, buried it in the back yard. Only...Mrs. Kim found it while planting spring flowers 6 months later.

Mr. Kim came home that night to a "grateful" wife who had prepared a "delicacy" for him. He choked it down but figured it was a delicacy, so it MUST be good.

The next day he told all his friends, who asked their wives for more "delicacies" in the home. They, in turn, called Mrs. Kim for the recipe and the rest is history.

Now, poor koreans it this stuff three times a day.

This a 1000 Year Egg from China, or the Cadbury Creme Egg from Hell. And don't worry...it's not really 1000 years old. It's only like 6 months and they, too, are a "delicacy."

This story, according to the Gospel of Reese's Cup of Dr. Pepper, goes like this.

Some emperial cook got lazy with the duck eggs and accidentally put one in that was a few months old. The emperor gets pissed and wants to know what the hell the poop flavored rubber was in his salad.

The cook, scared for his life replies, "a delicacy." And in response the emperor replies, "Bring me a dozen more and feed them to my friends and family."

But don't think I'm only picking on Asian cuisine (I love Orange Chicken as much as the next guy). Every culture has their own "delicacies."

Russians have FAT JELLO or Holodetz.

Thanks for trying to make this tasty morsel look good with the christmas tree on top, but we still know that this is really just fat and gelatin mixed up.

And blood sausage...

which looks like the diseased lower bowel of a zombie was devised by european governments as a way to test biological warfare on its own citizens.

Some websites proclaim "admittedly not for everyone." No kidding. It's actually not for ANYONE. God is in Heaven hurling right now from that picture.

And all these are eaten because someone proclaimed it was a "delicacy."

I've considered having my dog poop on a piece of lettuce and sprinkling some bird urine and a bat eyeball and sending it to the Iranian government as an american delicacy and peace offering. The only thing that stops me is that AMERICANS will believe it is an American Delicacy and we'll be seeing it in combo meals at Wendy's...and some things shouldn't be supersized.