The Secret of the Second Stomach

I had been away from civilization for about 5 months. By "away from civilization" I mean outside of traveling distance to McDonald's. So, you can understand that when I surfaced from the subway station and saw the Golden Arches, I heard concourses of angels proclaiming good tidings of great joy and peace on Earth, good will toward men.

Numerous times in my life, when talking about a meal, I can saw that my "eyes were bigger than my stomach. This particular instance, however, my stomach was up to the challenge.

I stepped up to the foreign McDonaldsateer and ordered the following: a big mac, a cheeseburger, a 20 piece chicken mcnugget, a large fry, a strawberry shake to dip my fries in, two cherry pies and a large coke.

Tangent--there's a rumor that McDonald's chickens come from chickens that have been injected with steroids. I don't know if it's true, but it would be ingenious. Instead of working out you could just eat McDonald's--end of tangent.

To make a long story short, I ate every bit of it. I also learned that in some countries they 1) charge for ketchup, and 2) take your tray to the trash and get pissed if you try to do it yourself. Which is only slightly different than the ones in the states where they include 20 ketchup packets in every bag and bring trash around to PUT on your table.

About a week later I went to someone's house--while still in this foreign country. They had prepared a meal of steamed and sogggy rice accented with grated jack-o-lantern (I refuse to call them pumpkins because THEY ARE NOT FOOD), whole garlic cloves sauted in something that smelled like a cat's vomit after its eaten its own poop, and a cold drink of yeast water.

Oddly, after two tablespoons of this meal I was full.

How is this possible you ask?

How is it that a husband can tell his wife he is stuffed and yet open the cupboard and in 30 seconds eat two pounds of her delicious chocolate chip cookies?

This is one of the great secrets of the Teenage Boy Diet.

By Divine Guidance God gave us two stomachs. The first is smallest and is for things that are bad for you--vegtables, primarily, but pumpkin rice and yeast water would go here as well. This stomach is also known as the appendix, which is why it important for you to have it removed. It's also the reason it bursts...even the appendix can take that crap.

The larger stomach is for items that are important to your diet; chocolate, cookies and McDonald's. Your body automatically distriubutes the food from the vegtables and sends messages to your brain--like, "you need a Reese's Cup to function for the next hour," or, "pumpkin rice?! What the hell are you trying to pull?"

Cows have four stomachs, and they're always eating because they only have access to grass. Their brains constantly tell them to "get me a Symphony bar." They don't have one so they have no choice but to overload their appendix, trying to make it burst to end their agony.

So next time someone choose to eat your chocolate chip cookies over spaghetti, don't be upset with them. It's just at that moment in time, their body needs chocolate to survive.

Easter Special: Food Storage

The best day of my life was the day after Easter in the second year I was married.

My wife called me at work from Target and told me news that made my heart skip a beat. Cadbury Creme Eggs were on sale for 25 cents a piece. She had already bought 40 and was curious if I wanted more.

TANGENT--Some people believe that God created the world. Some of those people believe he rested on the seventh day after creating it. This is pretty amazing since most guys take a break every 30 minutes when trying to complete a home improvement project, but that's besides the point.

It's not so important that he rested, but HOW he rested and what he ate (since most guys would tell you that food and rest is synonymous).

Well, according to the Book of Boz (me), on the seventh day God had scrambled eggs for breakfast. These scrambled eggs were not derived from chicken eggs, but from Cadbury Creme Eggs; which everyone knows is laid by Saint Easter Bunny.

End of Tangent

Being as religious as I am I told her to max out the credit card and buy as many as possible.

That night I came home to 140 Cadbury Creme Eggs. I greedily ate 15 of them, then horded them under my bed like a pack rat.

I increased my playing time of Halo on the XBox in the scenario that the world might end and I might have to defend my food storage. I successfully defened my motherlode for the entire year, finishing egg 140 the day before the next Easter.

In the Diet of a Teenage Boy it's important to eat plenty of Cadbury Creme Eggs. They are the prime component of the Dairy Food Group and have lots of chocolate and gooey, sugary creme; which is necessary for strong bones and shiny fingernails.