The Coca-Cola Cleanse

One of my first lessons on nutrition came from my father on a long road trip. After driving for some time the windshield built up a thick layer of gunk, or grease and the wiper fluid couldn’t clean it off.

My dad pulled over and bought a can of Coca-Cola; which was strange since the foundation of our family was Dr. Pepper. He popped the can and I yearned for my turn for a sip. Instead, he poured the entire can on our windshield.

We flicked the wipers on and wah-lah! The gunk easily came off.

I’ve since learned that if you put a grimy penny in Coca-Cola for a couple of days the penny will come out shiny and new. It can even turn something as hard as a tooth to mush.

If coca cola can do this imagine what it can do for your insides! Your intestines can be made shiny and new and, if coke can break down a tooth, it can break down that supposed wad of swallowed gum that won’t otherwise digest for 5 years!

“So how does a normal person like me benefit from the Coca-Cola Cleanse?” you ask. I’ll tell you now.

Step 1—Rent a movie that is at least 120 minutes in length (shorter movies work if you watch the special features). My suggestion is something good that will distract you; like Robocop, Nightmare on Elm Street, or Anne of Green Gables disc 1.

Step 2—Purchase a 12 pack of Coca-Cola cans (24 if you are performing the cleanse with a friend). P.S. Walmart Ad-matches and they normally don’t even ask to see the ad!

Step 3—Go home and pee. This insures that your bladder will be able to handle the onslaught it’s about to experience.

Step 4—Start the movie and start drinking.
The goal is to drink all 12 cans by the end of your movie without urinating. DON’T urinate until the end of the movie, even if you finish your cans early. You want the power of the cola to work inside you. Otherwise, how else will your colon be shiny and the ball of gum disintegrate.

Step 5—When the end-credits begin, pee--then brush your teeth (remember the teeth-to-mush part?). Also, it is bad form to knock on the door while your friend is urinating. If you do, they have every right to pee on your toilet seat and floor.

There you go. You’ve learned lesson 1 of the Teenage Boy Diet.